Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
