Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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