Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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