You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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