Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
