I'm so fucking centered right now
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
