Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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