YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
