You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
