I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize