Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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