I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
