Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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