no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
