No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
sarcasm needs its own font
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
