Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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