I love black thongs
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize