glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
