He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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