Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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