you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
