margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
