Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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