Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize