if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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