Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
