I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
