I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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