All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
