I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
