I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
