I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
