oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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