I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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