Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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