I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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