Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
