I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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