On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
