she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
