Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
