hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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