thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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