just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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