At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
