If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
