I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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