eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
