WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
