Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
