I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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