if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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