So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
