I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
