omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
