I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She bit a glass in half.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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