Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
