I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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