even my farts smell like vagina
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
