i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
