I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
