shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
