Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
