I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
