Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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