I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
