I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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