There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
